Specifically, the N700 Series. It may be wrong to love a train, but this piece of machinery is astounding. Capable of reaching speeds up to 300mph, the N700 series can travel between Tokyo and Osaka is a mind blowing 2 hours and 25 minutes. They are rarely, if ever, late. They transport millions of people each year — in fact, I’ve read that the Tokyo –> Osaka route transports more people in a year than ALL of the other trains in the world combined. Let’s compare:

Ferrari: 0 – 60 mph 4.2 seconds, weight about 4000 pounds

Shinkansen: 0-60 mph 37 seconds, weight about 1.5 million pounds

Which means it essentially accelerates 42.57x faster than a Ferrari Scaglietti.

That’s pretty amazing. What’s also amazing is that when I show up to the station I can be on a train and on my way in less than 10 minutes. And be nicely seated in a comfy reclining chair, being served cookies, candies, coffee, drinks, while happily listening to my Ipod, with tons of leg room. Better still – in the entire history there’s been ONE accident, which was during and Earthquake, and no one died. Pretty darn fantastic, wouldn’t you say? Why is such a thing not possible between New York and Boston, or San Francisco and Los Angeles???

Pro: Outstanding sushi, tempura, ramen, soba, bread, teas, fruits, meats, etc.

Con: 5250 yen for a melon?!!?! That’s 40 DOLLARS. For a melon. Yes it is normal sized and no, it’s not made of gold nor does it dance or sing or clean your house for you.

Pro: The Shinkansen.

Con: Apartments that make a shoebox look spacious.

Pro: A profound sense of tradition that is apparent in so many aspects of everyday life.

Con: Woe to the man who forgets to remove his shoes upon entering a home.

Pro: An obsession with cleanliness which leads to zero littering, recycling, etc.

Con: An obsession with cleanliness which leads to people wearing weird masks when they have a cold, which reminds me of Michael Jackson and Halloween. And applying make up non stop in the subway. And everyone having plastic surgery.

Pro: An obsession with cartoons that extends into adulthood, keeps man young and pure of heart. Kind of.

Con: An obsession with cartoons that extends into adulthood keeps men interested in women who dress like Britney Spears before she hit puberty. (Related con: Men who dress/act like David Bowie…I’m totally serious.)

Pro: Extremely advanced technology — the toilet can play music while disinfecting and spraying me with a nice cherry scent.

Con: This rinsing bidet option is more like a fire hose than a gentle spray and furthermore some of the technology is so advanced I cannot figure it out.

The best ramen in Japan so far, and I’ve at a lot, is in Dotomburi in Osaka. There’s a shop on the right, one the main drag just past the karaoke buildings, that will make you want to literally throw yourself in the bowl and bathe. Ramen in Japan is a serious food, and is not what you’re thinking – in American we get the watered down, craptastic version. The real version is much different than the 10 cents kind favored by impoverished university students. The Dotomburi ramen shop is fascinating, not just because the food is great, but because you order it from a machine.

Approach vending machine.

View numerous varieties with accompanying picture.

Select your favorite. Put in money.

Press the button.

A small ticket falls out at the bottom.

You hand this ticket to the cook at the counter, and then he bows at you (he bows! how cute! sorry, I’m an idiot tourist.) and he makes you a simply gigantic, nonstop bowl of some serious effing noodle paradise.

Cultural Note: When eating noodles in Japan, you must, must, must slurp as loudly as you possibly can. The Japanese slurp their noodles at ear-shattering levels, so however loudly your pathetic American mouth can slurp, it wont be ‘too loud’. Plus if you dont slurp, it’s rude.

I’m here and I made it! I was pretty excited about being off the plane, but then I remembered that I have a problem with packing too much stuff and that in Japan there are seemingly endless stairs and no elevators. For the night I’m staying in a nice hotel in Ginza, the “uppity” shopping district in Tokyo. In movies, the gangs are usually located in dark alleys — not having street fights in front of Harry Winston or Christian Dior. Must be safe here.

Ginza is a really nice place, actually. Hotel Monterey Ginza is suprisingly reasonable, considering the area, and I felt at ease wandering about after dark.

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